Posted by: geminigoddess | February 8, 2009

I must be growing…

I’m really proud of myself because yesterday, I actually came to the defense of my husband’s ex-wife.  Wait a minute!  What the hell?  Is this a trick?

You have to understand!  This woman has made it her mission in life to get her children to hate me and their own father.  You have no idea how awful she has been.  I’m pretty tough and I’ve endured a lot of things in this life, but she’s made me cry many, many, many times.  Once when faced with having to see her to pick up the kids, I actually got sick and felt physically ill.  Any previous time I have seen her in some less than flattering situation I have taken sweet, sweet joy in it, and reveled in smug satisfaction at her disfortune.  How could it be that I felt compassion, even empathy for her?  I don’t know, but it’s really weird.  Greg almost stopped the car when it happened.  He was like, “What?  Who are you and what have you done with my wife?  Did you just come to Marilyn’s defense?”  And I was like, “Yeah, I guess I did, didn’t I?”  Maybe I’m actually becoming a better person.  Wow, imagine that!…

Posted by: geminigoddess | February 5, 2009

Letter of Recommendation…

During my extremely random thoughts session this morning as I lay half asleep in bed trying to will myself to get up as the girls crawled/jumped all over me/the bed, I remembered that I never got a letter of recommendation from my last boss as I intended to.  Then I thought, what does it matter?  I’m not going to go back to working in an office, and if I were  to work in the future, it would be in the capacity of a healer, i.e. a Reiki/Hypnobirth Practitioner Midwife.  In that instance I thought it would be much more appropriate if I wrote my own letter of recommendation.  I submit the following:

To Whom It May Concern,

For the last [insert number here] of years I have been a Domestic Executive.  My job responsibilities include Mom, Household Manager, Chef, Nutritionist, Chauffeur, Accountant, Maid, Psychologist, Mediator, Nanny, Personal Shopper, Stylist, Paramedic, Teacher, Event Coordinator, Photographer, and The Tooth Fairy/Santa Claus.  I excel at all of them.

I work under two extremely demanding bosses who believe themselves to be princesses.  As a result, there are many clashes over who is going to get what they want first.  Being the great dictator mediator that I am, I resolve all of these conflicts in a fair and timely manner.

I have implemented new processes and procedures in my role as Household Manager that have streamlined the running of the household and rearing of the children.  They are too many to list, and my Mommy Brain can’t keep track of all of them, so you will just have to take my word for it.

As Accountant, I have saved the household hundreds of thousands of dollars by not outsourcing any of the responsibilities of Mom, Household Manager, Chef, Nutritionist, Chauffeur, Maid, Psychologist, Mediator, Nanny, Personal Shopper, Stylist, Paramedic, Teacher, Event Coordinator, Photographer, or The Tooth Fairy/Santa Claus, but rather given all the duties for these positions to myself, which I have graciously performed for free.

As you can see, I am a woman of many talents.  I highly urge you to come to the realization that you would be crazy not to hire me.

Sincerely,

GeminiGoddess

Go here to calculate your Mom Salary…

Posted by: geminigoddess | February 4, 2009

BFF…

I want a BFF.  You know what I mean.  Remember in grade school when you and your BFF were so close, that you did everything together, spent all your spare time together, told each other all of your deepest darkest secrets, and swore that when you grew up you would live on the same street and grow old and die together?  Huh, that reminds me of when I was a newlywed.  Anyway, the point I am making is that I wish I had a kindred spirit who lived next me, was a SAHM, had many of the same interests as me, and didn’t get tired of hanging out with me every day.  I know, I know – that’s fantastical.  I still wish Ondra or Joy lived down the street…

Posted by: geminigoddess | February 3, 2009

Economics…

It’s been a quiet weekend around here.  Greg and Hana have been sick.  So, no fun trips to Eugene to watch E play basketball or the coast for us.  Sigh…

However, I do have some exciting news on the phone-that-is-also-a-dildo front.  This weekend, Greg found an application for his Google Android phone that turns it into a vibrator.  Looks like I’ll be getting a Google Android!

Also, this morning I made the FINAL payment on a credit card that had a HUGE balance and we have been paying off for five years.  It is a remnant from the time Greg was a single dad and drowning in debt from his divorce.  Consequently we were unable to make any payments on it (or anything else) for months when we were both out of work so we were in a death spiral of gigantic interest rates, late fees, overcharge fees, and creditors calling/threatening us ALL  the time.  But now it is paid off.  ZERO balance.  Wow that is an awesome feeling.  Yippee!  And in March another one will be paid off.  ZERO balance.  And then we will begin working towards getting the newest one down to a ZERO balance.  We are getting closer and closer to being in a position to buy a house.

It is time for me to get dressed, change some diapers, and go out to get my fix at Starbucks.  We are all out of coffee at home, and I can’t just buy regular coffee at the store.  Oh no, that would be heretical.  We are coffee snobs who drink organic fair trade exotic coffee from places like Madagascar, Guatemala, Sumatra, Ethiopia, and Hawaii.  Our coffee must be expensive and freshly roasted.  Except when we get coffee from “Charbucks”, because then we don’t care that our overly priced, overly sweet, overly flavored venti-triple-soy-extra-caramel-caramel-macchiato and venti-quad-light-ice-double-shot-with-cinnamon-dolce-instead-of-classic drinks contains espresso that tastes like burnt beans, because we can’t taste the espresso!

Don’t even dare to suggest that we buy cheap coffee and use the extra savings to pay off credit card debt.  That would be UN-American.  That would be heretical…

Posted by: geminigoddess | January 30, 2009

Prop 8 – The Musical

Oh, many thanks to Melissa for sharing this hilarious video with me.  There’s really nothing else to say, so I’ll just leave you with it…

Okay, if you can’t already tell be the title, I have a lot to talk about tonight.  I am just brimming with things to say.  Now, I COULD write separate posts and put them up in the following days, and then not feel any pressure to write anything for a few days, but that just seems like cheating, and besides, I feel like writing it all down and sharing it now.

First up, what I shall now refer to as Obama Watch 2009!  Because, President Obama is so freaking fabulous that I just can’t help but gush about him all the time.  It’s sort of like having a high school crush.  I even told my husband that I’m in love with him – him being Obama, ha ha ha.  But seriously, could he be any more awesome?  I think not.  Let’s recap his latest and greatest.  Today, he signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act, which extends the amount of time a worker has to file a court case for disparate pay due to discrimination based on factors such as gender, race, religion, national origin, disability or age.  He pressured/shamed Citigroup into dropping out of a deal to buy a $50 million jet after receiving money under the economic stimulus package and blasted Wall Street CEOs for receiving huge bonuses when their companies are tanking.  Stick THAT up your pipe and smoke it!

Moving on to my next topic, today I had my first acupuncture treatment.  It was really great.  Here’s what I got out of it.  The root of all my health issues is tied into the dysfunction of my digestive system, which ties into blockages in my lower three chakras.  So, I need to get serious and start doing some work on them and finally heal myself completely.  Specifically, I got that I need to read Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss.  So that is my mission, and I accept it.

Putting Mirabelle in ballet is the best thing I’ve ever done as a parent.  And not because I love to live vicariously through her (I think we’ve already established that I do).  No, it is because ballet is the dangling carrot that can be used in every want-to-rip-your-hair-out 3 yr old moment.  Here is a little peak at this marvelous tool of bribery.

Scenario 1

Mirabelle:  I don’t want to eat my broccoli!

Me:  You better eat your broccoli, or you’re not going to ballet.

Mirabelle:  (quickly eats broccoli)

Scenario 2

Mirabelle:  (running around naked and refusing to get her diaper/clothes on)

Me: Fine, run around, I don’t care if you go to ballet or not.

Mirabelle:  (runs straight to me and gets dressed)

Scenario 3

Mirabelle: (whining about something)

Me:  If you don’t stop whining, you’re not going to ballet.

Mirabelle: (shuts her mouth)

Ahhhhh, thank the Universe for ballet – keeping Mommy sane since 2008.

The Old Ball & Chain.  Now, I only bring this up because my husband keeps asking me when and what I’m going to write about him on this blog, so I am merely accomodating his query.  Plus, I have a friend who is going through a divorce right now, so her situation has been on my mind a lot too.  For example, I just had a fight with Greg.  But I’m not mad at him anymore.  We fought, we apologized, we moved on – all within about 10 minutes.  This has changed drastically from earlier in our marriage.  We used to have the worst, draining, exhausting, long lasting, bitter, brutal, epic fights.  I didn’t know people could fight like that and still love each other/want to still live with each other/want to still be married and spend the rest of their freakin’ lives together.  But we did and we do.  Mostly, we just had to get used to each other.  Learning to live with another person is rough.  But now, it’s pretty much smooth sailing.  Our fights even have an undertone of humor to them, like if one of us looked at the other in a certain way, or mentioned “that time in the antique store”, that we would/could bust up laughing.  I just can’t stay mad at that man.  The amazing thing about Greg is, I’ve never felt like our fights were life and death.  We could say the most terrible things to one another, and we would know the whole time that we are madly in love and here to stay.  I’ve never feared that we wouldn’t make it.  I can say that he is my rock, he is my best friend, he is the only person whose opinion I really care about.  He is the only person I can be truly vulnerable with – he has seen me at my worst and he still loves me, still chooses me.  I know I will always be able to count on him, and I know he will never betray me.  And he’s funny, very funny:)  He is my soulmate.  I love him.  So, I’m sorry I told you to fuck off babe, I think I’m PMSing…

Posted by: geminigoddess | January 28, 2009

Chocolate, Cookies, Cheese, and Applesauce…

Actual conversation I just had with my three year old:

Mirabelle:  I want choc-at.

Me: No, you just had chocolate.

Mirabelle:  I want orange cookie.

Me: No, you’ve had enough cookies today.

Mirabelle:  I want cheese.

Me:  No, you’ve had enough cheese today.

Mirabelle:  What CAN I have?

Me:  You can have applesauce.

Mirabelle: Okay, I’ll have THAT.  Applesauce.

Me: (doubled over with laughter) Okay, I’ll get you some applesauce. (more laughter)

It was totally worth going through 47 hours of labor to have that conversation.  Ha ha ha…

Posted by: geminigoddess | January 27, 2009

Dare to behold my mad parenting skills…

Get this.  Apparently some little bitches as E’s school have been telling her she is fat and ugly, and she believes them!  This is the worst part of being a parent.  Having to watch from the sidelines as your kids go through the same crap you did as a child, knowing that it’s all so petty and small in the arc of their lives, but also realizing that to them it is the world and means everything.  I just want to pull my hair out!  Are you fucking kidding me?  I wish I could beat them up for her.

In lieu of that, I have come up with some stinging epithets she can hurl at them in response to any future verbal attacks.  And no, I don’t think telling her they’re just jealous is going to make her feel better (come on, my parents told me that and I knew that was a bunch of BULLcrap).

Here’s the list.  I invite you to come up with some of your own and I will happily add them.

  1. “It only appears that I’m fat to you because by comparison, you look like you’ve been too busy snorting cocaine to eat.”
  2. “If you don’t watch out, you’re going to blow away in the next rainstorm.”
  3. “At least I’m not anorexic like you!”
  4. “Are you still wearing toddler clothes because you’re too tiny to wear regular sizes?”
  5. “Bag of Bones!”
  6. “Broomstick!”
  7. “Beanpole!”

(This message has been brought to you by Ms. Snarky.  Raising smart ass, sarcastic citizens one at a time…)

Posted by: geminigoddess | January 25, 2009

Just Checking In…

For the last few months I’ve felt kind of checked out.  I don’t know if it was the hypnotic lull of winter (winter sucks ass! I can’t wait until summer when I can go outside every day and to the beach every weekend. Oh how I long for summer!);  or the mind numbing attack of yet-another-crappy-thing-that-BushCheney-did-while-in-office-that-made-me-have-to-shut-down-stop-listening-try-not-to-care-anymore-because-if-I-didn’t-it-would-make-me-go-homicidal-crazy; or the lack of social interaction; or the broken record incessant whining coming from a certain toddler I know; but whatever it was, I feel like checking in again.

“Why?”, you may ask.  Well, I’ll tell you.  In part because I LOVE THE OBAMAS!  Seriously!  Thank you!  No really!  I mean, it’s so refreshing!  I just saw a news feed that said Michelle Obama slammed Ty Dolls for making Beanie Babies named after Malia and Sasha and accused it of being exploitative.  Now that’s my kind of Mama!  And Barack has done more for this country in his first 3 days in office than (well I was going to say the Bush administration, until I realized I couldn’t think of one single good thing they did in the last eight years, oh wait, I’ve got it!  They left!), well, than even I expected him to.  Suspended war trials at Guantanamo AND plans on closing it in one year AND ordered an end to torture!  Ordered top military brass to formulate plan to get out of Iraq in 16 months!  Reinstated funding to family planning clinics and called for end of “politicization” of abortion!  Put a cap on pay for his top employees and called for transparency/ethics in his administration!  Ordered a freeze on all new federal regulations in an effort to stop the Bush administration’s “midnight regulations” run!  Can anyone say, Hallelujah!?

I have voted in every election I could since I turned eighteen, and I have been truly heartbroken by some of them, and this is the first time I have felt, oh what’s that word…HOPE.  It is so nice.  It is inspiring.  It makes me want to talk to the Big World out there again.  I’m not afraid to see the headlines from CNN.  I’m not ashamed to travel to another country (that would be assuming I had the money/time/au pair to take a vacation out of the country ha ha ha).

Now I know someone reading this may think to herself, “All politicians suck, nothing’s really going to change, blah, blah, blah…”, to which I say “WHATEVER!”  I’m choosing to be happy and optimistic and hopeful!  I am happy that as a group, Americans bought into hope instead of fear mongering.  I am optimistic that Obama can and will make some real change.  I am hopeful for my children’s future.  It makes me want to break out into full Beatle song and start dancing around my living room singing alternately “all you need is love” and “you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the onlyone!  I hope someday you will join us, and the world will live as one.”  (That is, until somebody accidentally cuts me off in traffic and then s/he better watch out!)

The other part of why I feel like checking in again is that I need to take time for myself, lest I get sucked into the pitfalls of SAHMommydom which can arise from sheer boredom and repetitiveness.  And because I want to be a peaceful healer hippie, and I have been neither of those things lately, if what happened yesterday is any indication to you.

So, I am feeling inspired.  And woken up.  And I’m just checking in…

Posted by: geminigoddess | January 24, 2009

I feel like such a bitch now…

This is an apology I’m sending out through the Universe to a woman who is a stranger and I have no way of apologizing to any other way.  So I was out doing all my errands just now, and I am sick today, and my husband had just called me asking where I was, and I had been behind two rude drivers already, and this woman pulled out in front of me and cut me off going really slow.  I was so pissed and I honked my horn, sped up, and whipped around in front of her.  She then honked at me which only served to piss me off even more.  So I sped down the road just wanting to get home and off the road.  I came to the next light and she was behind me.  I could see that she was going to make a right turn and had to pull up beside me to do so.  I was ready with my middle finger, ’cause she had already started honking at me again.  I flipped her off as the light turned green and started to drive off, only to look back and see that she was – get this – waving the peace sign at me.  JESUS, could I be a bigger BITCH?  So now I feel totally shitty.  And like a big huge hypocrite ’cause guess who has peace bumper stickers all over the back of her car?  You guessed it, me.  Yep, I am not only a bitch, but a hypocrite too.  Okay, lesson learned Universe.  Thanks.  I need to chill the fuck out.  And remember that everyone makes mistakes, myself included.  I shoulda just let it go…

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