Posted by: geminigoddess | March 17, 2009

I feel dizzy…

I am soooooooo glad that my baby stage is almost over.  I NEVER thought I would say that.  I used to be so baby crazy that I would spontaneously combust into tears when I saw pregnant women or babies and I would find myself staring off into space daydreaming about being pregnant and holding tiny little angelic babies whose tiny little fingers were wrapped around mine who glowed with an unearthly light…you get the picture.  Well I’ve been there, done that and I am done now, thank you.  Even after the first baby I was still in love with the idea.  Which is why I had another one, right away, so that I could get my fix.  I was like a starving orphan, trying to fill myself up with all the babyness I could.  Now I feel like a glutton who has eaten way too much cotton candy and funnel cake at the state fair and decided to ride the tilt-o-whirl and now feels dizzy and sick.

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy every lick of candy and dab of white powdered sugar.  My girls are the cutest, most adorable, achingly beautiful human beings on this planet, as far as I’m concerned.  To me, there could not possibly be any more perfect and wonderful children in the Universe than them.  I’ve loved every sweet little moment we have shared, every contented little pursed lip as they slept, every hungry little sucking noise they made as they nursed, and every sweet little smile they’ve given me when they’ve looked in my eyes.  But my body has not belonged to me in four years.  I haven’t slept in four years.  I haven’t had a weekend of romance and wild, unencumbered sex with my husband in four years.  I haven’t put myself first in four years.  And I’m tired.  There’s only so much of yourself you can give before you have to put up the white flag of surrender and beg for mercy.

Thankfully, I am starting to feel some reprieve.  I can envision a day with no diaper changes.  The girls are starting to play together for more than five minutes without fighting, biting, hitting, or yelling at each other.  Hana is finally starting to understand that no means stop.  I’m actually getting some sleep.  I can finally take a shower!  I’m ready to close this chapter and move into the next one.  The one that involves my girls cultivating their personalities, questioning their world, and discovering what they want.  I can’t wait to help them.  I can’t wait to watch them unfold.  I am really excited.  For them and for me…

Advertisements

Responses

  1. AMEN!!!!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: