Posted by: geminigoddess | February 26, 2009

Oh Crap…

Every time I think I’ve finally worked through all my shit and I don’t have anything thing else major to deal with (in my psyche) I get hit by a mother fucking train.  At least I can say that I deal better with anything that comes up now, meaning I don’t fall into a black pit of despair and spiral down into a severe depression.  Now I just think, “Here we go again.  The Universe is trying to drill another lesson into my egotistical brain.”  Even though I KNOW that I will never stop being presented with situations that will force me to grow and learn, for some reason I’m always just a little bit surprised.  Is that some fatal flaw in my character, or just human nature?  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a glimpse at that illusive thing called enlightenment.  Clearly I have not been here enough and I must come back for hundreds of lifetimes more to reach some sort of wise sage status.  Or something like that.  What the hell do I know?  Sometimes I think not much.  But I HAVE come a really long way.  I am a child of abuse and addiction, neglect and dysfunction.  I have experienced depression and fear and pain and hopelessness so severe that I believed the only way out was for me to kill myself.  I have seen people at their worst.  I have lived in hell. I have survived and thrived and loved and reached happiness in spite of all of that.  And now I have to deal with another fear.  I thought I had conquered all of my fears.  Ha ha.  I should have known.  How cocky of me.  Of course I am destined to experience this –  our 15 year old son is doing drugs.  Vicodin and marijuana that we know of.  Who knows what else.  This is my worst fear come true. For my children, and for me.

Do you know what happens to children who grow up in a household with a drug addict parent?  It scars them.  Drugs become this sinister nemesis.  An evil, living thing.  Drugs are not just some intangible bad thing out there in the world.  They haven’t just heard about how bad drugs are.  Or heard about how terrible addiction is.  They’ve had to live it.  Pure, all encompassing, terrible hell.  I have never experimented with drugs.  I don’t even like prescription drugs.  I use homeopathy and herbs when I get sick.  I have been prescribed Paxil in the past, but I never took the prescription to the pharmacy.  I’ve been to the emergency room twice for severe gall stone attacks.  The first time they gave me morphine, and I was so horrified by the way it made me feel, that the 2nd time I was brought to the ER for a gall stone attack, I made sure to tell them under no circumstances did I want to receive morphine again.  I have a bottle of Vicodin that I keep for emergencies in case of another gall stone attack (and no, A did not get Vicodin from our home, he lives with his mother and bought it on the street), but I had to throw the last bottle away because I never used it, and the one I have now is also unused and about to expire.  I hate drugs with every fiber of my being.  And I think people who use them are weak and selfish.  Why am I so judgmental?  You would be too if you grew up like me.

I admit it.  I am judgmental and critical.  Harsh and unsympathetic.  Angry and pissed off.  I don’t want to be.  I want to be understanding and empathetic.  I just don’t know how to be.  Drugs and addiction are tied into so much victimization for me, that I can’t get past that to be an understanding person.  I know too much.  I think, how could anyone EVER decide to do them in the first place.  Why would someone think it was okay to try some E/speed/Vicodin/Oxy/crank, or snort a line of cocaine?  What could possibly possess someone to think that experimenting is fun and they’ll be fine/nothing will happen to them/they won’t become an addict?  Don’t people get it?  It only takes one time!  Nobody is immune.  The moment you make that choice, the first time you pop a pill or snort up, that’s it – you crossed a line.  There’s no going back.  That’s why I’m judgmental.  Because every single addict made a choice.  Addiction may be a disease, but it is a preventable disease.  I made a choice too.  My choice was to not do drugs.

And I am angry at A.  Angry at his selfishness.  Is he a drug addict?  I don’t know.  But I know what hell this family will go through if he is or becomes one.  It is not fair.  Not fair to anyone.  Not fair to his parents.  Not fair to his siblings.  Not fair to himself.  I don’t care that life isn’t fair.  I want it to be…

P.S.  I am feeling much more calm and better about the whole situation after a counseling session with my therapist and energy worker this afternoon.  Also, A had his first counseling session today and we’re all (both sets of parents) going to be involved as a family in treatment.  Hopefully, we can stop this train before it really gets going and come out of the experience communicating and interacting better as a family.  We have to believe that and try for that...

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Responses

  1. wow . . . Tara, I don’t know what to say. I guess I just remember that sweet little boy. Its such a shame we can’t keep our children safe. I will be sending some positive energy your way.

  2. Thanks Lois. I appreciate it. I’m feeling better after a counseling session tonight.


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