Posted by: geminigoddess | February 21, 2009

Adventures in Parenting…

If I were asked which ages are my least favorite as a parent, I would say 18 months, 3 years, and 13-16.  Well lucky me, ’cause I’ve got a 16 month old, a three year old and and 15 year old, not to mention a highly hormonal, emotional, pubescent 11 year old girl.  What this translates to is sleep deprivation, potty training hell, attitude, and a crisis in self esteem.

I haven’t slept in four years.  Ever since I got pregnant.  All work and no sleep makes Mommy a very cranky girl.  The prospect of no sleep for two years, plus five months of vomiting and laying on the couch like a dead person from morning sickness and the exhaustion of creating a human being 24 hours a day, was the impetus behind my threatening my husband with no sex unless he agreed to get a freaking vasectomy!  I do not regret that decision.  I turn into a pathetic little mushy ball when my girls give me their cute ass, scrunchy face, adorable little smiles and I start to think dangerous thoughts like, “Oh, I love babies.  They’re so cute.  Look how freaking adorbale our girls are.  Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have another one.  I think I could do it.”  Danger, Will Robinson, danger!  Lest I forget, I shall tell a little tale…

Once there was a girl who had a baby.  And this baby slept with her every night.  The baby was so cute and adorable, the girl thought she might like to have another one.  But the boy who was the baby’s daddy wasn’t so sure, because he wasn’t getting any sleep.  The girl who was the baby’s mommy wasn’t getting any sleep either, but she was 15 years younger than the boy so it didn’t bother her as much.  Plus, the boy had already experienced sleep deprivation two times before, and he wasn’t really excited about doing it four times.  Then one day, the girl started to feel really sick, and really tired.  The girl was suspicious.  So she told the boy she thought they might be having another baby.  The boy didn’t believe her.  Until she showed him two pink lines on a stick.  Well, now the girl was in a conundrum.  She knew she couldn’t sleep in one little bed with the boy, the baby, and the new baby.  So sadly, the girl decided that it was time for the first baby to start sleeping in another bed.  The first baby did not agree.  The first baby did not agree at all.  In fact, the first baby was very, very, very mad at the girl for thinking that she should sleep in another bed.  To express just how mad she was, the first baby screamed and cried for hours and hours for three nights in a row and would not let the girl sleep at all.  But, the girl was just as stubborn as the first baby, and the first baby realized she would never win, so she gave in and decided to sleep in another bed.  The girl was relieved.  But the girl still couldn’t sleep, because she was nauseous all the time, and the new baby kicked her all night long, and her back hurt.  When the new baby was born, the new baby slept in the bed with the girl and the boy.  But the new baby wouldn’t sleep all night, so the girl still didn’t sleep, and the boy didn’t sleep either.  Finally, one day the girl was cleaning up some poop that the first baby had gotten all over herself in an ill fated attempt at potty training, and the new baby woke up and started crying, and the girl was all tired and frazzled from too much potty training, and not enough sleep, and she told the new baby to suck it up and go to sleep by herself, and the new baby screamed and cried and threw her binky at the girl, and the girl went downstairs to finish cleaning up the poop, and the new baby fell asleep and slept the longest she had ever slept in her entire life, and the girl decided it was time for the new baby to sleep in another bed, and that she most definitely did not want to endure two more years of sleep deprivation ever again.  So the next time the new baby gave the girl the most adorable, scrunchy face smile on the planet, the girl knew that she would not fall for the baby’s evil tricks again, because the girl would remember what it was like to never get any sleep.  The END…

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Responses

  1. Awww babe. Having my penis taped in the ‘up’ position, the outside of my testicles shaved, and a small ‘hole’ punched into my nut sack, the insides of my testicles pulled out through aforementioned ‘hole’, wrapped around my shoulders, tied in a knot, juggled, cut, cauterized, untied, stuffed back IN to my nut sack through said ‘hole’, and then having my junk all mashed up in a jock strap for a few hours, was the least I could do for you. *wink*

  2. This is hilarious. I was just pining for a new baby too. I think I will give up that idea and just adopt a toddler (potty trained of course). Oh and my husband must never ever read the comment Greg just left, or I will be popping out babies past the time I am forty.


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